Building an Authentic Life: Understanding Autistic Motivation and Purpose

As both an autistic person and a psychotherapist working with autistic adults, I've thought about a particular pattern that deserves our attention: the persistent misunderstanding of autistic motivation. This misunderstanding (of autistic peoples motivation being misunderstood) runs deep in our society. It is shaped by neuronormative assumptions that often lead to painful experiences of being misread, dismissed, or even punished because of assumptions about what our motivation is. 

When we explore motivation in therapy, we're often uncovering layers of internalised messages about what "should" motivate us. Many autistic adults come to therapy carrying the weight of being told they're "unmotivated" when actually their motivations simply differ from neurotypical expectations. This difference isn't a deficit – it's a valid expression of neurodivergent being.

If you are an autistic person, consider how often you've been told you're "not interested" in something when you're deeply engaged in your own way, or been accused of "not caring" when you care intensely but express it differently. These experiences reflect a broader societal pattern of imposing neuronormative motivational frameworks onto autistic ways of being.

In my practice, I often work with clients to excavate their authentic motivations from beneath years of masking and accommodating other people and systemic expectations. This process requires gentle curiosity and a willingness to question received wisdom about what "should" motivate us. What if your preference for deep, meaningful conversation over small talk isn't a social deficit, but a valid orientation toward authentic connection? What if your intense focus on specific interests isn't a problem to be managed at all, but is a pleasure and a source of genuine meaning and purpose?

For autistic adults navigating these waters, here are some insights I've gathered:

1. Trust your internal compass: Your motivations may differ from neuronormative norms, and that's valid. The question isn't "Why am I not motivated by what motivates others?" but "What genuinely motivates me?"

2. Expect misunderstandings: Others may project their assumptions about motivation onto you. When someone says "You must not care about X because you don't do Y," they could be revealing more about their own motivational framework than about yours.

3. Cultivate self-knowledge: Spend time understanding your authentic motivations. What energises you? What gives your life meaning? What are you drawn to when external pressures are removed?

4. Develop gentle responses: When others misread your motivations, you might say something like, "I understand it might look that way, but actually I do care deeply about this – I just engage with it differently." Or "I appreciate you trying to understand my perspective. Would you be interested in hearing how I see it?"

As therapists we can:

• Question our assumptions about what constitutes "healthy" motivation

• Explore motivation through the lens of individual meaning-making rather than normative expectations

• Recognise that what appears as "lack of motivation" might be motivation directed elsewhere

• Support clients in distinguishing between their authentic motivations and external norms

Understanding Our True Motivations

The journey of understanding autistic motivation is ultimately about recognition – recognising that our ways of being, while different, are fundamentally valid. It's about moving beyond the binary of "motivated" versus "unmotivated" to understand the rich complexity of how different minds engage with the world.

When we talk about motivation in autistic adults, we're really talking about authenticity, agency, and the right to be understood on our own terms. This understanding doesn't come easily in a world structured around neurotypical norms, but it's essential for both personal wellbeing and broader societal acceptance of neurodivergent ways of being.

For both autistic individuals and the therapists who work with them, the key lies in approaching motivation not as something to be redirected, but as something to be understood, honored, and supported in its authentic expression. This shift – from pathologising difference to embracing diversity – marks the difference between accommodation and true acceptance. Autistic adults motivations are valid, even when they're misunderstood. 

Building a Life That Honors Autistic Ways of Being 

The purpose of understanding ones motivations is to build a life that honors our authentic ways of being and engaging with the world.

Some suggestions. In practice that could mean:

Alignment with Natural Rhythms

• Recognising that your oftentimes need for solitude can be a vital part of your regulation

• Accepting that your preference for structured, predictable environments isn't "rigid" but a valid need for coherence and structure.

Creating Meaningful Work Lives

• Designing work patterns that honor your natural attention spans and focus patterns

• Incorporating your deep interests into your professional life where possible

• Setting boundaries around social expectations in the workplace (when you can) based on genuine needs rather than conventional norms

• Recognising when a work environment truly doesn't align with your authentic ways of being (and making a plan over time to alter that)

Authentic Relationships

• Building connections based on shared interests and meaningful exchange rather than social convention

• Choosing relationships that honor your natural social rhythms, or or ones in which you can negotiate those issues

• Understanding that quality of connection often matters more than quantity to autistic people

Environmental Design

• Creating living spaces that support your sensory needs wherever possible (even having small soothing or stimulating things or one area to go to)

• Organising your time in ways that respect your natural energy patterns

• Developing routines that serve your actual needs (when you can)

The Deeper Purpose

Understanding our authentic motivations helps us:

1. Make decisions aligned with our true selves rather than external pressures

2. Explain our needs and preferences to others from a place of confidence

3. Recognise when environments or situations aren't serving our wellbeing

4. Build support systems that genuinely support rather than try to change us

5. Navigate social situations with more authenticity and less masking (and still social harmony)

6. Choose life paths that nourish and fulfil (rather than deplete) us

Living Authentically Autistic

Understanding our authentic motivations is often a gradual process of:

1. Unlearning internalised ableism

2. Questioning assumed norms

3. Experimenting with different ways of being

4. Noticing what genuinely nourishes and fulfills us

5. Building confidence in our right to be different and suitable ways to communicate and negotiate those things

The ultimate goal isn't just understanding our motivations intellectually, but using that understanding to create lives that feel authentic and sustainable. This might mean making choices that others don't understand or creating ways of living that don't fit conventional models. That's not just okay – it's necessary for our wellbeing, because the purposeof our lives is not solely to justify our existence or explain ourselves to others, but to create lives that truly work for us (as well as for others). When we understand and honor our authentic motivations, we're better equipped to build lives that support rather than strain us, that nourish rather than deplete us, and that allow us to contribute to the world in ways that feel genuine and meaningful.

Author. Vauna Beauvais.

Vauna Beauvais. Contact me here.

You can see the rest of my Vauna Beauvais psychotherapy practice blog posts here, and if you’d like to listen to a YouTube podcast of myself and a fellow therapist talking about autiatic motivation here, and you might want to watch my new (and growing) video series on neuroaffirming therapy here.