Unlearning to Mask: From Surviving to Thriving
As a psychotherapist, writer, educator, and autistic person, I've come to understand the complexities of autistic experiences through both professional and personal lenses. My name is Vauna Beauvais, and in this article, I'll share insights into the phenomenon of late-life autism recognition, drawing from the neurodiversity paradigm and my own journey of self-discovery.
Understanding Safety Self and Vulnerable Self
Let's start by reframing some key concepts. Rather than 'adaptive self' and 'core self', I prefer the terms 'safety self' and 'vulnerable self'. The 'safety self' is the persona we develop to navigate a world that often feels threatening or incomprehensible. It's not fake or inauthentic, but a genuine attempt to protect our most vulnerable aspects in relation to being autistic. The 'vulnerable self', on the other hand, embodies our innate autistic traits, perceptions, and ways of being that are fundamental to our identity but we feel we have to make them less visible in social interactions to mitigate threats.
The True Origins of Masking
As an autistic psychotherapist who's experienced the profound impact of masking firsthand, I can't stress enough how crucial this survival mechanism is for many of us. Masking isn't a choice or a strategy for social advantage - it's often an unconscious, desperate attempt to navigate a world that can feel inherently threatening to our autistic selves.
The timing of when we start masking varies greatly among us. Some of us began this process unconsciously in infancy, instinctively adjusting our natural responses to get the care we needed. The onset of masking varies widely among autistic individuals, but its roots are always in survival and basic need fulfillment. For some, this begins in infancy, as we instinctively adjust our natural responses to elicit the care we need. It's not about our caregivers falling short; it's about our innate recognition that our authentic expressions aren't yielding the responses necessary for our survival. Others might not encounter this pressure until they face broader social contexts, like school or work, where the stakes of social rejection or misunderstanding become painfully high.
It's often not about fitting in for the sake of popularity; it's about avoiding very real threats to our wellbeing, from social ostracism to economic instability.
The Real Cost of Masking
The physiological impact of long-term masking is profound. I've experienced firsthand the toll it takes on our bodies and minds. You see, the constant state of hypervigilance activates our stress response system, leading to chronically elevated cortisol levels. This not only affects our immune function and metabolic processes but also influences our sleep patterns and overall energy levels. Many of us find ourselves in a perpetual (or cyclical) state of exhaustion, our resources depleted by the constant effort to present a socially acceptable version of ourselves.
To understand this process, I find the concept of allostatic load helpful. This term, borrowed from the field of neuroendocrinology, refers to the cumulative wear and tear on the body's systems due to chronic stress. As stressors accumulate, they may eventually exceed our capacity to adapt, leading to a breakdown of our protective strategies.
It's worth noting that I didn't coin the term "allostatic load model" - it's an established concept in stress research, originally proposed by Bruce McEwen and Eliot Stellar in 1993. I find it particularly relevant to understanding the long-term effects of masking in autistic people, as well as to talk through the strain of self-exploration and gradual unmasking, or emergence of self.
Understanding Autistic Burnout
I've observed in my practice, and experienced personally, how this chronic stress can lead to what we often call autistic burnout. It's a state of complete physical and emotional exhaustion, often accompanied by a loss of skills and an intensification of autistic traits. This isn't a regression or "becoming more autistic" - it's our vulnerable self coming to the fore when our coping mechanisms can no longer sustain the mask.
The Accumulative Effects of Stress
The breakdown of these long-term coping strategies can be sudden, but could also be a gradual process, often triggered by an accumulation of small changes in our lives. These might include shifts in our work environment, changes in relationships, or even positive developments like increased societal acceptance of neurodiversity (even when things take a turn for the positive, it still can be destabilising and cause unexpected results). Each change requires an adjustment to our strategy of living, incrementally increasing the cognitive and emotional load we carry.
The Journey of Self-Discovery
The journey of self-discovery and emergence can be triggered situationally, such as when we can no longer maintain our safety self. Or it might be a gradual realisation that our current way of being isn't sustainable. Many of my clients, and indeed I myself, have found ourselves asking questions like: "Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?" or "What would it mean to live more authentically?". Interestingly, spending time interacting with other autistic people can bring a feeling of ease and highlight the feeling of dis-ease in other spaces, by way of contrast.
Moving Toward Authenticity
Whenever it started for you, I want you to know that masking is a testament to your strength and adaptability. But it's also exhausting, and it can take a real toll on our well-being over time. As we work together, my goal isn't to strip away your masking - it's a valuable tool you've developed. Instead, I want to help you understand it, to recognise when it's serving you and when it might be holding you back. Together, we can explore ways to meet your needs and navigate challenging situations while staying true to your authentic self.
Remember, your autistic identity is not something to hide or fix - it's a fundamental part of who you are, and it brings unique strengths and perspectives to the table. In later life, we now know that masking is not a skill to be honed, but we recognise it as a sign of a society that still struggles to accept neurodivergent ways of being. Our personal goal should be to be in situations, environments, and relationships (including the one with ourselves) where such extensive masking isn't necessary for survival, and where we can meet our own needs and avoid threats without compromising our authentic selves. Thats the Nirvana!
The process of unmasking and embracing our autistic identity is deeply personal and often challenging. This means educating ourselves about autism and neurodiversity, challenging our own biases, and being open to ways of being and communicating with ourselves so that we create safety where self-expression can unfold naturally.
Moreover, it involves not only recognising and accepting our autistic traits, in all different situations (done consciously and unconsciously!) but also navigating the complex emotions that come with these realisations. There's often a mix of relief at finally understanding ourselves completely (and we may have been looking for a long time to find this) as well as grief for past struggles and some doubts about what this means for our future.
The Personal Journey of Emergence
In my practice, I've found that validating both the ‘safety self’ and the ‘vulnerable self’ is useful. The safety self has played a vital role in our survival and often embodies significant strengths and skills. At the same time, embracing our vulnerable self allows for a more authentic and fulfilling way of being in the world. Ultimately, the journey from masking to self-acceptance is about finding a balance - learning when and how to adapt for safety and when it's okay to let our autistic selves shine through. It's about developing more sophisticated strategies for navigating the world that don't rely solely on hiding or pretending.
As we continue to evolve our understanding of autism and neurodiversity, it's my hope that we can be in a world where such extensive masking isn't necessary - where autistic people can be accepted and supported for who they are, in all their wonderful diversity. Until such time, we can make our own experiences fit this brief as much as possible and learn to look out for ourselves and speak up for ourselves. And seek out relevant and appropriate protections and supports whenever we need them.
My sessions are available on weekdays during daytimes and evenings.