ADHD-ers: Leveraging Self-Insight for a Fulfilling Life and a Thriving Future
A Journey of Self-Discovery
As a late-identifying autistic and ADHD-er (AuDHD) psychotherapist, I've found that my personal journey has profoundly shaped my professional practice and my understanding of neurodivergent adulthood. I had known that I was autistic for a decade before realising I also had ADHD.
When I first pieced together that I was autistic, everything about me and my life was finally coherant and it was such a relief to know I had explanations. I thought, then, that me being autistic all-along explained everything about my whole timeline of experiences, events, challenges, and choices.
The Unexpected ADHD Revelation
Ten years later, my coach at that time (who specialised in working with neurodivergent clients and knew that I was autistic) offered up the suggestion that I was also ADHD. My initial, knee-jerk response, when she said “Do you know that you are also ADHD?” was to say “No!”. I mean, it was after 10 years of knowing that I was an autistic person, and surely I would know by now?
Discovering that I was autistic had been a huge revelation in and of itself, because I was over 40 by then, and I had done a lot of personal work and discovered a lot, and interpreted things well. And I thought that my explanation was complete.
Misconceptions and Realisations
I did not look into ADHD during those early years of understanding being neurodivergent, because, like many, I had misconceptions about ADHD, thinking it was a childhood issue or simply a matter of behaviour that could be mastered with effort. I didn’t think of myself as unfocussed (I think of consistency and focus differently now) and I didn’t think I was inattentive (I realise a whole lot more about this now!). Moreover, I didn't realise ADHD was a lifelong neurological difference related to brain connectivity and processing.
The Evolving Language of Neurodiversity
At the same time, I didn’t appreciate at that we are in an era where finding words and concepts to describe neurodivergent people is itself still in its infancy. Being neurodivergent is just a way of affirming that you are atypical, and using words like autism, ADHD, dyscalculia, dyslexic, are ways to describe ways that people may experience those ways of difference or aytipicality. It doesnt mean that you are this one thing (autism, for example) or this one other thing (ADHD, for another example). You are a person. And these words are to encapsulate relevant ways of being and can be used for good purposes.
What I didn’t know then (but I know now) is that those labels are ways to try to simplify and to help with understanding about ways of being that differ from the typical, more commonly seen, neurotypes of people. The labels are very useful, as they are shorthand ways of describing a lot of complex realities and that can help to make the information useful for yourself or others. But the labels themselves, used in a literal or exclusionary way, can confine understanding to the point that it causes you to overlook possible explanations that may also be fitting and useful for understanding yourself as a neurodivergent person.
The Yin and Yang of Autism and ADHD
This journey of self-discovery has given me unique insights into the complexities of neurodivergence, especially the interplay between autism and ADHD. I often think of it as a Yin and Yang relationship between parts of myself. Some traits of ADHD can be opposite to those of autism, which can make self-identification (or diagnosis) challenging. Here is an example of a way that natural states oppose each other: Autism is often thought of as being associated with a person having a comfort-need for routine and familiarity, and for various reasons ADHD-ers have a drive for novelty and stimulation.
So, when reading through lists of identification-criteria for ADHD, you could think, “Well I don't eat the same thing all the time, or go to the same place every week.” But you may find that you do for a while (and find it comforting and enjoyable) and then one day that is not happening anymore. Or, as you recall the many happy hours of monotropic focus you've immersed yourself in with your enthusiastic passions, over the years, you may think, “I don’t have difficulty focusing and concentrating. And I am not unable to stick to tasks”. Being autistic, as well as being an ADHD-er means that you have the detail-focused eye and the level of integrity that drives you to seek the truth and the high standards of knowledge or mastery of a topic or activity (hence why they get called ‘special interests’ by some people). And yet, taking a closer look, we can recongise that we can apply ourselves to activities to that degree only when we are interested in those things. And, looking over a more long-term perspective, it is most common for people who are AuDHD to be fully immersed into an interest or passion, and then, seemingly inexplicably, one day to not be anymore. Whereas an autistic person may let go of their interests often only if theres no more possibility for progression (the nourishment and satisfaction of increasing mastery or knowledge). And detaching from the interest is more likely to be gradual. Whereas for ADHD-ers detaching is usually sudden and is only realised retrospectively, by exclaiming, “Oh I see I’m not doing that anymore”.
The ADHD Relationship with Time
One of the most striking aspects of ADHD that I've both experienced and observed in myself and in my clients is the ADHD-ers relationship with time. We often make light of the concept, and say that for ADHD-ers, there's only 'now' and 'not now'. This binary experience of time impacts not just time management itself, but also memory retrieval and future planning. Eoin Stephens, my colleague, told me that a psychology term for that is ‘state-dependent memory’ and that terms seems to fit, in my experience. So, while I am ‘in’ an experience (now) I am associated with the experience with all of my senses and I feel that I have a completeness of that event (i.e. I am aware, using many channels of awareness, of what is happening). After the event, and it can be only moments after it, (the not-now) I have to ‘recall’ what I was aware of ‘before’ in that event that just occurred. And as an ADHD-er, recalling to mind, an event, is very, very different to being in it. So much so that they seem like two categoreies of experiences, ‘the now’ ones, and ‘the not-now’ experiences.
Challenges in Future Planning and Goal Attainment
Building on these ideas of the way that experiences are held or recalled over time, we can see that there are likely challenges with future planning and goal attainment. Tasks and longer term projects such as weight loss or addiction recovery are therefore particularly challenging for ADHD-ers. One way of impulse control commonly promoted as being very effective in helping to attain such outcomes (habit change, overcoming addiction) entails being able to hold in mind the idea of a desired future self (one who has the benefits of the goal achieved) and do this at the time that the temptation to sabotage the goal attainment arises. Doing this in the moment of temptation enables the feelings and other sensory information to inform you (in a felt way) of the ‘realitiy’ of the consequences of sabotaging and to feel disappointment or fear of failing. This prompts a person to act in their own best interests, rather than in ways that sabotage.
Alternative Strategies for ADHD Success
That’s all very well and good. And it is good, and does work very well for a lot of people. But for ADHD-ers or people who are autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) it’s very challenging to do, and relying on goal attainment by this method alone is not equipping yourself optimally for successful goal attainment, and could even be thought of as setting yourself up to fail if you are ADHD-er and rely solely on this method. ‘Willpower’ as it might be called, is rarely effective for ADHD-ers. Instead, there are lots of other possibilities of strategies and symptoms that could be found to be much more useful for ADHD-ers getting what you want out of yourself. I personally like 'gamifying' tasks to maintain engagement by keeping it stimulating for me. And 'habit stacking' - associating new habits with existing ones - can be very very effective in the right circumstances. These strategies have been life-changing for me and many of my clients, and together we can explore your situations and find ways that work for you.
Overcoming Shame and Embracing Self-Compassion
One of the most challenging aspects of ADHD, in my experience, is the shame that often accompanies failures or making errors. In light of that, one thing to say about devising plans and strategies for goal attainment is that at first there can be elation from having something in place that is ‘working’ (ie taking you toward the outcome that you want) and then there can come a time, sometimes unexpectedly, when this isnt working anymore, or you find yourself having veered away from using it. All this is normal for ADHD-ers and is all part of what we discuss and plan for in our talks. It does feel disappointing, and often inconvenient, yes. But wherever possible, we have understanding and self-compassion and respect for being a person who is variable, and take that in our stride as we re-group and rethink and modify the approach to the goal attainment. It doesnt mean that being an ADHD-er alone means the goal or outcome can’t be attained.
Celebrating ADHD Strengths
A lot is talked of in terms of the limitations and challenges of being an ADHD-er. And for balance, and to retain self-esteem, we also remember that there are many strengths associated with being a person of this neurotype. Being ADHD-er means that we are creative, quick thinking, have the ability to make interesting tangential connections and generate out-of-the-box ideas. And we often have a charismatic, engaging personality that is attractive to others and brings lots of opportunity for social connections and draws in interesting, stimulating experiences. These traits can be incredibly valuable in many areas of life and work, and bring a lot of fun and enjoyment into life.
Summary: Key Takeaways for the Neurodivergent Journey
As we've explored the intricate landscape of ADHD and its intersection with being autistic, it's helpful to reflect on the key points. Here's a summary to help clarify what I've discussed:
The Discovery Process:
Realising you're neurodivergent can be a journey of self-discovery that unfolds over time.
It's okay to identify with one neurodevelopmental condition before recognising another.
Our understanding of neurodivergence is still evolving, leading to new insights, even in adulthood.
The AuDHD Experience:
Autism and ADHD can coexist, creating a unique interplay of experiences and challenges.
This combination can sometimes present as seemingly contradictory behaviors or preferences.
Understanding both autism and ADHD helps make sense of these apparent contradictions.
Executive Function Challenges:
Both ADHD-ers and autistic people can expeirience a significantly impact in executive functioning.
For those with ADHD, challenges often revolve around time management, information organising, prioritising and scheduling, and impulse control.
These difficulties can affect daily life, work, and relationships, sometimes seriously so, and can be dsistressing.
The ADHD Time Perspective:
Many ADHD-ers experience time as either "now" or "not now."
This unique relationship with time affects memory, planning, and daily functioning.
Understanding this perspective (and others) is handy for developing effective strategies for being who you want to be and engaging with life and making impact you may want to make.
Strategies for Success:
Traditional approaches to habit formation may not work for ADHD-ers (hooray! Real evidence you are not at fault).
Effective strategies often involve gamification, environmental cues, prompts, and leveraging the need for novelty.
Personalised approaches that work with, rather than against, ADHD characteristics are much more successful (and far less frustrating or disappointing for ADHD-ers).
Strengths and Positive Aspects:
ADHD brings unique strengths, including creativity, quick thinking, and social engagement.
Having thesse traits can be pleasurable for yourself, and can also be advantageous and valued in certain careers and situations.
Recognising and harnessing these strengths is one way to personal and professional fulfillment.
The Power of Understanding:
Recognising the full extent and the intricacies of one's neurodivergence can be transformative.
Doing so provides a framework for understanding past experiences, including new realisations to replace self-blame that you’ve always had in some ways. And it puts you more in the driving seat of your own life as you and know more accurately your future possibilities. Not just what you can realistically do, but also the ways in which you will be able to do them.
This understanding can lead to increased self-acceptance and more effective life strategies.
Evolving Perspectives:
As a society our understanding and language around neurodivergence continues to evolve.
Labels are tools for clarifying and understanding, so that we can attain better lives and deeper authentic relationships.
Embracing the understanding of one’s neurodiversity is a step forward into a better life.
Your neurodivergent journey is unique. These points are not a checklist but a guide to help you reflect on your own experiences and understand the complexities of ADHD and autism. As you continue to explore and understand your neurodivergent self, be patient, be curious, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. Your unique brain wiring is not a flaw but a different, equally valid way of experiencing and interacting with the world.
If you think that you would like to talk with me about being autistic, or about being an ADHD-er, please get in touch. I am available for counselling or psychotherapy regarding your life and relationships, as well as coaching for managing better to get what you want from yourself in your life and work.